God, love, the way ❤️

There is a bird that sits on a nearby tree on a small hill

He’s cozy

Content

Has himself a nice spot

Each morning he sings in the warm rising sunlight to my delight

Part of it all

So content, song so beautiful

Such a calm and peaceful life on the small hill

The tree his home

Tender branches, delicate wind in the leaves

He wants me to know that peace is blessing

Cute, calm, content

What more does he need or want

There’s lots of room in that tree

If you can’t see your own shadows

It’s probably your own self protecting you 

Bc it knows if you knew, 

You’d beat the ever living shit out of yourself. 

So, as you get safer, more able to give yourself grace, you will begin to know (that which has been in the shadows) 

I know they love me

They are just so different

And what I receive in return doesn’t seem to fill my cup

And I love them

And it’s possible I don’t fill theirs either

And they love me

So guess we love each other

Yet, there is such deeper connection and satisfaction to be enjoyed.

I guess I’ll just appreciate the life I have and focus on me.

It’s not their fault. Of mine.

Live your life how you want. I’m going to live mine.

I’m sure I have my blind spots

Certainly I can be shallow

When it comes to my inner world and emotions, there is tremendous depth.

Sometimes, many times, when I have shared with others, I am confident the depth of the experience is not landing, and rather, is being substituted with something unfitting, and many times, simpler.

It’s far from satisfying

(Positive affirmation: I speak honestly and authentically. I trust the best people and relationships connect with me here and now. Amen.)

It’s been great 

I’ve had everything I need

All provisions met

But for one thing 

Just a detail

I mean, who could complain, it’s been so easy right? 

Wouldn’t want to get carried away, lose perspective on how grateful

I should be 

I have nothing to complain about 

Really, it’s been great. 

Seriously, I have so much freedom and health. 

So I’d only be a stinker to complain, that I’ve never felt really truly loved and accepted. 

I’ve never really been able to be close, with anyone, share my true colors without fear it’ll push them away too.

So yeah, just a minor thing. Everything else is great. This heart, knows how to wait. 

Kissed suddenly 

Warmth and life in my face 

I am infused with ecstacy

All my life a cold stone 

Only dreaming of warmth 

What it might be 

How it might change the state of these particles 

At last, I am awoken 

Thankfully, it did not crack my core

Seized and heightened in the glorious moment 

My eyes widen 

She scoops into me 

Every cell of my being 

A new state of life and love

She beats me, torments me, brings me to my knees

Love followed by self preservation 

All in love of course 

She left my heart broken

Wondrous being 

Why rip open my heart with no intent to fill it. 

I recline into the night… 

She’s the best I’ve had

After 3 1/2 years, a significant veil of denial has lifted.

Evidently, and despite my world blowing up, tons of counseling, uncovering loads of unacknowledged trauma and stuff, I had to walk the last 3 1/2 years, feel all that pain, to eventually and finally wake up to my trauma.

It took me 3 1/2 years plus to finally give my feelings the importance they deserve. Precipitated by an event, a shattering.. I’ve been through some shit!

I give these feelings importance.

I give my experience importance.

That importance instantly conveys to me. I feel the depth of my experience. My realness is coming in through the cracks. My experience has been very real. The feelings I’ve felt very real. I am very real!

And now that I acknowledge my feelings and importance, I can be present and in reality. I can perceive what a trigger is and have the site to see it in myself, and have the appreciation for what it is and have control in my own life now.

I do acknowledge the old, and, it did better pack its bags. Now that I have you in my target, it’s over!

Kissed suddenly 

Warmth and life in my face 

I am infused with ecstacy

All my life a cold stone 

Only dreaming of warmth 

What it might be 

How it might change the state of these particles 

At last, I am awoken 

Seized and heightened in the glorious moment 

My interior accelerated in jubilance

She scoops into me 

Every cell of my being 

A new state of life 

She beats me, torments me, brings me to my knees

Love followed by self preservation 

All in love of course 

She left my heart broken

Wondrous being 

Why rip open my heart with no intent to fill it

I recline into the night 

She’s the best I’ve had

No more anger

Just tears

Happy tears

I ran and ran

And finally gave in

There all along

So much lovvvvvvve

I now know me