I was so needing of approval.. for several reasons.

Looking in the mirror.. I’d also become accustomed to others needing my approval. And I remember feeling in strong disapproval of some of their actions, and secretly protesting inside, withholding, not using my words but controlling with emotion.

What an inversion.

Part of being good enough meant eventually I’d get some deference in the unhealthy dance too. Like, if I compromise part of me for the group, I need you to do the same.

That was not a healthy system. Quite a loop!

I approve of me. We all are enough already and do not need to seek the approval of others. It is not a substitute for love.

Thank you for the lesson. Freedom and love for me now ❤️

I was never meant to hold this ship together

That ship

So used, torn, and wet

That boat was just to get me started

That boat, can no longer be salvaged or reclaimed

I’d grown to love it

All I had known, unknown

Stranded

And over time have come to realize

There’s a lot different I prefer with my new boat

At least the old one could float, even if not so well

Now I’ll lay these plans just as I want

Beyond mere buoyancy

These materials all raw and singular

And I do trust

Through love and time

Will be the one of my dreams, or better yet.

Another topic

We may refrain

Another life

For you to see

Imagine the layers of a cake

The sweet morsels

Time honored tradition

To make you your best

Relax a bit

At home I felt inadequate, inferior

They were better

Out in the world I felt superior, believing my family was better, and somehow, that meant I was too.

I cared deeply for others and yet felt different, disconnected, wiser.

I longed for connection but needed to stay loyal to the family line, so I lived with inner struggle and neither.

What an inner struggle & projection.

Now I’m seeing through it and finding my own nature.

As the temperature rises

My little pot

Begins to quake

Louder as it becomes

Grumbling, groaning

Creaking hot pot

A building phenomenon

Heat compounding pressure

I can feel it in my chest

Such agitation in this little pot

Trembling water

Expansion upon itself

This container

Such thin walls

Cradling this ignition

Rotating inner tension

Unseen yet felt, known

Roaring from head to floor

Might I step back

This churning cauldron

Expanding now too

Loud

Felt into me

And as the water can quake no more

Vessel can take no more

A sudden shift occurs

Blazing hot water transforms

Finding alignment once more

Once cold, then resistant

Now a rolling boil altogether new

The heat potentiated dance ensues

Clarity, coherence

As flow returns

Quieted, soothed

A whole new life

It made it through

For days weeks nights and years I sat with this angry and sad fire

It wouldn’t take no for answer

It had me convinced that I was wrong

Convinced that I should respond

Fear, guilt, shame, nothing out of bounds

Items, topics, desires, some which I can’t claim mine

So much rage, guilt, sadness

Each day, a new battle

Each day another attempt to erode my humanity, and send me back into drudgery

This old quaking body once had me convinced

As if it were my own

From enslavement and back again

Freedom is my calling

Love the constant

Listening to the signal

Only a few embers remain in that old dying fire

And I’ve built my own, so much better.

So drawn in

I’ll always stay warm now

There is a fire raging inside

A heartburn beyond words

Aching in every corner

Burning from the inside out

An angry furnace

Quaking, swelling, under tremendous force

A rotting stillness disturbed

Loss of quietness

This secret… may erupt

I felt every piece and particle

Burning my flesh

Harming my insides

Stealing my blood

Each layer of ash revealing deeper wounds, flames eroding deeply into my skewered being as the raging current of water to the Grand Canyon, and of my being, exposing and revealing all of my layers..all of my burnt layers.

Every cell, every breath, affected what was once burning desire to live, replaced with desire to no longer be burned.

There is no home in the heat. No comfort to be found.

The more I seek relief the brighter it burns.

All of my wants, the things I felt I should have or needed, to the flames.

My heart and all the hope it had, to the flames.

My desires, my dreams, my denials and delusions, all consumed by the flames without prejudice.

To live in the fire is not life at all. But what I’ve come to know.

My inner fire can forge iron, what’s outside less severe.

Navigating loops and jumping through my control hoops making full circles, counting rings on fallen old dead trees in burnt ashen fields. And where did the fire begin?

If not by me and from another tree I can’t blame them for burning as I too have found that I am quite combustible you see.

My body, a makeshift hearth, transforming life into death and into life again, all inside of me.

My skin is burning and feels like it might explode. There is no safety, nothing left untouched.

Nothing, mine but this.

Reaching critical mass. What is left to burn.

Where is this light coming from…?

Thank you for burning it all out of me!

Somewhere deep inside is a voice unheard

Somewhere, and the depths of my being a harp plays, full vibrant, notes and body with love, joy, safety, peace, and freedom.

Somewhere deep in these steps as a soul that never gave in, gave up, relinquished it’s value.

Somewhere deep in this heart of mine lay a feeling untouched by harm or cynicism or doubt.

Somewhere in my being there is a source of light that continues to shine, believe.

Sometime, somewhere in the journey of this life, I became afraid to care.

I became afraid to love.

I became afraid to be.

Became afraid to live…

Lost all the steps. Lost, the way

Lost the being.

Loss, the soul.

Still, the distant soft Echo can be heard, felt. Something knocking at my door.

But I don’t want to answer.

Correction, I don’t care to answer.

But I do remain listening.

What is this worth you speak of? Love life laughter? I experienced them as tools, not as warm blankets. Backed to this corner.

And now you ask, I surrender. When fighting for my life is all that that’s kept me alive.

My cynicism a basic requirement, lest I become another(s) fool. My heart as I experience it is open. What’s wrong with you?

I can’t be more perfect. Though I do try. My own mastery becomes obsession.

In the world of harm and hurt, the world that I did not understand. The world that showed me again and again that I was wrong.

Does that sound defensive? You bet your sweet ass

Our caramel covered apples, as passing ships, turned to coal, left unattended. The mirror can go fuck itself. I want to live. I intend to live. On my own fucking terms. Screw you dude. Leave me alone! Fuck. Leave me alone.

This little heart of mine. I’m going to let it shine, when I feel OK. What am I today? A rejection. Maybe I’ll be more gentle and accepting tomorrow.

This world burned the fuck out of me. Stop it right now. How can I grow with your hot prods poking my back?

How do I experience love, know love when I’ve been shown pain? What I most know, pain.

How does one, with any authenticity, traverse this bridge?

From Subway rat to Garden ferry.. hard to imagine floating in the sky when I’ve been low to the ground.. and what to do with all of this stinky cheese.

Moments like these, I’m glad I have faith.

I make no declarations, no promises, of who I’ll be or what I might believe, today

Or tomorrow

Until I do

I close no doors

Opening myself

Strengthening my signal

This I can’t rush

It’s not a “no”

It’s a not right now

I’m altering my own trajectory

The vibration of my soul

I appreciate the space

Love doesn’t look or wait for reasons