Life itself is more sacred, more valuable, than any sacred act or demonstration

I felt so inferior in comparison to them

And for a long time, blamed myself, pushed myself

Eventually it got to be too much

And the blaming, the criticisms, the reasons I was okay and they were just jerks, became a reality..how I saw them. And with lots of hurt and disappointed energy.

As I healed, releasing these old stories to start fresh with them was not like flicking a light switch.

I had my voice, my preferences. This knew knowledge of who I am. This new strength that supports and loves who I am.

As the old feelings fade, I can also look in the mirror.

Now that I feel equal, now that I know I am so likeable, loveable, and new, I can strive forward and release that old dust.

Let it settle. Become the wave.

God please grow that within me is light and love

God please let me release what does not serve me, and feel new

God please let the muscle that worries atrophy

God please keep my focus clear

Please God, keep me safe in your love, and help me trust the wonderful world you provide for me

Amen

It’s been a long road

And

The good news is

I get to focus on the positive

In my life

Of my life

That there is

Life

Lots of reasons to be positive, and I can chose what I focus on

Took what it took to get here

The charge is less

The message is clear

Relax, unwind, be okay

Now it all comes together.

Exhaling.. it’s been a long road

And I can see the choice point

and feel it now

It’s a beautiful day

I was so needing of approval.. for several reasons.

Looking in the mirror.. I’d also become accustomed to others needing my approval. And I remember feeling in strong disapproval of some of their actions, and secretly protesting inside, withholding, not using my words but controlling with emotion.

What an inversion.

Part of being good enough meant eventually I’d get some deference in the unhealthy dance too. Like, if I compromise part of me for the group, I need you to do the same.

That was not a healthy system. Quite a loop!

I approve of me. We all are enough already and do not need to seek the approval of others. It is not a substitute for love.

Thank you for the lesson. Freedom and love for me now ❤️

I was never meant to hold this ship together

That ship

So used, torn, and wet

That boat was just to get me started

That boat, can no longer be salvaged or reclaimed

I’d grown to love it

All I had known, unknown

Stranded

And over time have come to realize

There’s a lot different I prefer with my new boat

At least the old one could float, even if not so well

Now I’ll lay these plans just as I want

Beyond mere buoyancy

These materials all raw and singular

And I do trust

Through love and time

Will be the one of my dreams, or better yet.

Another topic

We may refrain

Another life

For you to see

Imagine the layers of a cake

The sweet morsels

Time honored tradition

To make you your best

Relax a bit

At home I felt inadequate, inferior

They were better

Out in the world I felt superior, believing my family was better, and somehow, that meant I was too.

I cared deeply for others and yet felt different, disconnected, wiser.

I longed for connection but needed to stay loyal to the family line, so I lived with inner struggle and neither.

What an inner struggle & projection.

Now I’m seeing through it and finding my own nature.

As the temperature rises

My little pot

Begins to quake

Louder as it becomes

Grumbling, groaning

Creaking hot pot

A building phenomenon

Heat compounding pressure

I can feel it in my chest

Such agitation in this little pot

Trembling water

Expansion upon itself

This container

Such thin walls

Cradling this ignition

Rotating inner tension

Unseen yet felt, known

Roaring from head to floor

Might I step back

This churning cauldron

Expanding now too

Loud

Felt into me

And as the water can quake no more

Vessel can take no more

A sudden shift occurs

Blazing hot water transforms

Finding alignment once more

Once cold, then resistant

Now a rolling boil altogether new

The heat potentiated dance ensues

Clarity, coherence

As flow returns

Quieted, soothed

A whole new life

It made it through

For days weeks nights and years I sat with this angry and sad fire

It wouldn’t take no for answer

It had me convinced that I was wrong

Convinced that I should respond

Fear, guilt, shame, nothing out of bounds

Items, topics, desires, some which I can’t claim mine

So much rage, guilt, sadness

Each day, a new battle

Each day another attempt to erode my humanity, and send me back into drudgery

This old quaking body once had me convinced

As if it were my own

From enslavement and back again

Freedom is my calling

Love the constant

Listening to the signal

Only a few embers remain in that old dying fire

And I’ve built my own, so much better.

So drawn in

I’ll always stay warm now