Clear view

If I’m being honest

If I really am going to be honest

This is honestly the best thing I can do

The best I can do

I’m giving it my best, honestly, not just for me, for you.

Living honest for me looks so much different

A different man in the mirror I ever knew

Oh today the sunshine

Wiped out all the rain

And today I met the real you

Reaching

Reaching

Yet no distance exists

Yearning

Though I’m already complete

Preaching

Only to myself

Learning

This world is enough

Echoes

Glitter of here and there

Vision

Whatever ye may seek

Grounding

The last sound

Methodology

A foretold project

Let time be the manager

You

By the waste bin

Eureka

“I’m not sure I’ve ever been happy in life”,.

The thought rattled out of my tired mind. Nothing has really brought me lasting happiness in a way where I want more and more, I thought, in reflection.

Realization! This is not normal.

Question: is it because I was so fixated on filling a need with “family love”?

(The boy who took life too seriously)

Like, whatever I did, part of me was unavailable to it because I was so preoccupied by the distress about my family. (This both as a kid and as an adult)

I couldn’t let go and have fun. My family, and being good enough for them was my focus. With every action came the question, would they approve? With every thought came the question, what would they think?

Turned me into a very serious kid, who was more concerned about family and what they think rather than having fun, let alone developing my self or life.

My self was childish, silly, I thought. I was wrong, fucking off, and I’d better stay aligned with their values and be acceptable should the time come they come for me. -of course they’ll come for me. It’s my fault, I’ve been concealing what a rotten kid I am (how I felt back then).

I am enough. Always have been.

I don’t need their love, I give it to me.

In this moment, my heart breaks for that child and all he had to go through. And now, the bravery to confront such information, and the courage to choose himself.

I take my life in hand. In my own hands. My own life and my own hands. I am the designer.

I accept the disappointment with family. It just didn’t land. -their love, and how it translated to me. I didn’t feel like anyone had time for me. And my feelings, were always met with a better way to look at things.

Back then, the charade was enough to make a youngster feel included. All of the good stuff was credited to the family. All of the bad, ways in which I didn’t feel included, landed on my lap as my own failure. Seen through adult eyes, it was not at all enough for me, or for most kids, I believe.

Family did their best. It’s evident to me there were significant areas of lack, neglect, and immature parenting.

That pit in my stomach was about my family. It clouded everything. It was the most important thing, and I felt immense pressure to figure it out and fix it. Even more, I felt terrible for concealing stuff about me.

Something is wrong! And I knew. That young innocent soul knew. Rather than criticize them, I took it all, did it all, to myself. I just didn’t have the knowledge so I turned it all on me.

I trust myself.

Prize winning rose

This rose had the best stalk

Best genetics

The most beautiful flowers known

This rose had a special lottery ticket

A special place

This rose, a very special rose to set the tone for the entire garden

But nobody watered it. Nobody nourished it.

The poor thing, malnourished and dehydrated

Why didn’t anyone care about this rose plant?

The poor thing is suffering

It’s reaching as high as it can, stretchy spindly growth

It’s pushing out blooms to share

A-symmetrical and not fully formed

It’s like it knew what it was supposed to be

Fallen petals and leaves as tears

For what it could never be