Expression

For days weeks nights and years I sat with this angry and sad fire

It wouldn’t take no for answer

It had me convinced that I was wrong

Convinced that I should respond

Fear, guilt, shame, nothing out of bounds

Items, topics, desires, some which I can’t claim mine

So much rage, guilt, sadness

Each day, a new battle

Each day another attempt to erode my humanity, and send me back into drudgery

This old quaking body once had me convinced

As if it were my own

From enslavement and back again

Freedom is my calling

Love the constant

Listening to the signal

Only a few embers remain in that old dying fire

And I’ve built my own, so much better.

So drawn in

I’ll always stay warm now

Internal combustion

There is a fire raging inside

A heartburn beyond words

Aching in every corner

Burning from the inside out

An angry furnace

Quaking, swelling, under tremendous force

A rotting stillness disturbed

Loss of quietness

This secret… may erupt

I felt every piece and particle

Burning my flesh

Harming my insides

Stealing my blood

Each layer of ash revealing deeper wounds, flames eroding deeply into my skewered being as the raging current of water to the Grand Canyon, and of my being, exposing and revealing all of my layers..all of my burnt layers.

Every cell, every breath, affected what was once burning desire to live, replaced with desire to no longer be burned.

There is no home in the heat. No comfort to be found.

The more I seek relief the brighter it burns.

All of my wants, the things I felt I should have or needed, to the flames.

My heart and all the hope it had, to the flames.

My desires, my dreams, my denials and delusions, all consumed by the flames without prejudice.

To live in the fire is not life at all. But what I’ve come to know.

My inner fire can forge iron, what’s outside less severe.

Navigating loops and jumping through my control hoops making full circles, counting rings on fallen old dead trees in burnt ashen fields. And where did the fire begin?

If not by me and from another tree I can’t blame them for burning as I too have found that I am quite combustible you see.

My body, a makeshift hearth, transforming life into death and into life again, all inside of me.

My skin is burning and feels like it might explode. There is no safety, nothing left untouched.

Nothing, mine but this.

Reaching critical mass. What is left to burn.

Where is this light coming from…?

Thank you for burning it all out of me!

Afraid to care

Somewhere deep inside is a voice unheard

Somewhere, and the depths of my being a harp plays, full vibrant, notes and body with love, joy, safety, peace, and freedom.

Somewhere deep in these steps as a soul that never gave in, gave up, relinquished it’s value.

Somewhere deep in this heart of mine lay a feeling untouched by harm or cynicism or doubt.

Somewhere in my being there is a source of light that continues to shine, believe.

Sometime, somewhere in the journey of this life, I became afraid to care.

I became afraid to love.

I became afraid to be.

Became afraid to live…

Lost all the steps. Lost, the way

Lost the being.

Loss, the soul.

Still, the distant soft Echo can be heard, felt. Something knocking at my door.

But I don’t want to answer.

Correction, I don’t care to answer.

But I do remain listening.

What is this worth you speak of? Love life laughter? I experienced them as tools, not as warm blankets. Backed to this corner.

And now you ask, I surrender. When fighting for my life is all that that’s kept me alive.

My cynicism a basic requirement, lest I become another(s) fool. My heart as I experience it is open. What’s wrong with you?

I can’t be more perfect. Though I do try. My own mastery becomes obsession.

In the world of harm and hurt, the world that I did not understand. The world that showed me again and again that I was wrong.

Does that sound defensive? You bet your sweet ass

Our caramel covered apples, as passing ships, turned to coal, left unattended. The mirror can go fuck itself. I want to live. I intend to live. On my own fucking terms. Screw you dude. Leave me alone! Fuck. Leave me alone.

This little heart of mine. I’m going to let it shine, when I feel OK. What am I today? A rejection. Maybe I’ll be more gentle and accepting tomorrow.

This world burned the fuck out of me. Stop it right now. How can I grow with your hot prods poking my back?

How do I experience love, know love when I’ve been shown pain? What I most know, pain.

How does one, with any authenticity, traverse this bridge?

From Subway rat to Garden ferry.. hard to imagine floating in the sky when I’ve been low to the ground.. and what to do with all of this stinky cheese.

Moments like these, I’m glad I have faith.

Openness

I make no declarations, no promises, of who I’ll be or what I might believe, today

Or tomorrow

Until I do

I close no doors

Opening myself

Strengthening my signal

This I can’t rush

It’s not a “no”

It’s a not right now

I’m altering my own trajectory

The vibration of my soul

I appreciate the space

Clear view

If I’m being honest

If I really am going to be honest

This is honestly the best thing I can do

The best I can do

I’m giving it my best, honestly, not just for me, for you.

Living honest for me looks so much different

A different man in the mirror I ever knew

Oh today the sunshine

Wiped out all the rain

And today I met the real you