Eureka

“I’m not sure I’ve ever been happy in life”,.

The thought rattled out of my tired mind. Nothing has really brought me lasting happiness in a way where I want more and more, I thought, in reflection.

Realization! This is not normal.

Question: is it because I was so fixated on filling a need with “family love”?

(The boy who took life too seriously)

Like, whatever I did, part of me was unavailable to it because I was so preoccupied by the distress about my family. (This both as a kid and as an adult)

I couldn’t let go and have fun. My family, and being good enough for them was my focus. With every action came the question, would they approve? With every thought came the question, what would they think?

Turned me into a very serious kid, who was more concerned about family and what they think rather than having fun, let alone developing my self or life.

My self was childish, silly, I thought. I was wrong, fucking off, and I’d better stay aligned with their values and be acceptable should the time come they come for me. -of course they’ll come for me. It’s my fault, I’ve been concealing what a rotten kid I am (how I felt back then).

I am enough. Always have been.

I don’t need their love, I give it to me.

In this moment, my heart breaks for that child and all he had to go through. And now, the bravery to confront such information, and the courage to choose himself.

I take my life in hand. In my own hands. My own life and my own hands. I am the designer.

I accept the disappointment with family. It just didn’t land. -their love, and how it translated to me. I didn’t feel like anyone had time for me. And my feelings, were always met with a better way to look at things.

Back then, the charade was enough to make a youngster feel included. All of the good stuff was credited to the family. All of the bad, ways in which I didn’t feel included, landed on my lap as my own failure. Seen through adult eyes, it was not at all enough for me, or for most kids, I believe.

Family did their best. It’s evident to me there were significant areas of lack, neglect, and immature parenting.

That pit in my stomach was about my family. It clouded everything. It was the most important thing, and I felt immense pressure to figure it out and fix it. Even more, I felt terrible for concealing stuff about me.

Something is wrong! And I knew. That young innocent soul knew. Rather than criticize them, I took it all, did it all, to myself. I just didn’t have the knowledge so I turned it all on me.

I trust myself.