Keep going

It’s worth it. You’re worth it.

A big thing for me was learning how to get better at letting go of control. I had these expectations for myself, even I couldn’t really define. Just some general awareness of what I “should be” or what I “should do”.

Here’s a rough sketch of how that all flowed in my life.

I had expectations for who I was “supposed to be”, what I “should be doing”. So, I would do or sign up for things that I thought I should be doing. Eventually, I would drop out, lose steam, or, find myself super battling upstream and wonder why things were so hard. Rinse and repeat. I did this for a long long time.

All the while, things would come along that felt good, and I would deprive myself of those things, because of what I “should” be doing. This is not for me, this is small, stupid, juvenile, what would my family think? Imagine if people knew that I were so simple. that I had these desires.

I could not even fully acknowledge these feelings. When I felt them, and felt shame, or some form of inadequacy about them, and I’d continue upstream, pushing towards what I thought I “should be” or do.

Why am I not happy?!!!!!

So in this learning mode of life teaching me, self denial was pretty evident. Now, I can say that. Back then, no idea. everything was just hard.

So, on one hand, I’d be forcing myself, with all kinds of tactics that were not healthy or self loving, to do what I thought I should do. All the while, things were coming into my space that I would have liked, I just wouldn’t let them in. I could not own my value, and the simple pleasures of life.

I denied myself for so long. Trying to be something I wasn’t. Thank God I get this chance.

Now, the gear I am in, my focus, is to fully acknowledge what feels good to me, be authentic to it, and explore it.

Sure, it’s an adventure, at 44, to be learning a whole new way of life. Same time, it’s all how I look at it. I am being freed from a cage. And I know it’s worth it to keep going.

My aim is authenticity. I accept and love myself. I am in perfect harmony with the loving universe.

Trust, be you (the real you in your heart), and be the river. All good things come!